u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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