i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
