So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
