i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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