Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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