I'm going to jail i love you
My cat gives me a boner
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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