i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
