Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
