I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
