i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
