im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
