Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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