i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
