So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
