And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
