wakey wakey hands off snakey
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Randomize
