First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
