I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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