Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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