I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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