At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
