New invention idea: vibrating tampons
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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