sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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