Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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