I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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