my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
