I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
