There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
40s are totally the cure
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
