the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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