I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
