you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
