Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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