they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
