Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
