My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
