then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
