For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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