if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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