I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
