I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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