I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Randomize
