i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
