You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
