I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
