hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
