so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
