My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
