The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
