Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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