having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
