I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
