If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
